No clue how to categorize this edition of Friday Faves. Favorite animated self-help video?? Not exactly a blog title you want to click on, but sure, we’ll go with that.

I think we’ve all come to know and love Brené Brown. I honestly can’t imagine how you could know and not love her. She’s a pretty special human. Fully herself. Fully owning her presence, her space, her niche. And she’s come to light at a really critical time in our collective lives. I know that sounds weird to say, but I really feel like she’s a light and a counter force to some of the prevailing societal norms of late (suicide, opioid crisis, the me too movement, racial profiling, police brutality, immigration issues, our current administration, etc.) She’s come with hard-earned wisdom on fear, empathy, bravery, leadership and a host of other badass things that all humans need to hear. Lastly, she’s real, smart, sassy and completely relatable.

What strikes me again and again about her is just how relatable she is. Just watch the TED talks… she’s like who you want to have over for dinner, grab a glass of wine with, go watch a football game with, or go on a road trip with. You can’t say that about many “celebs” these days. They’re kind of full of themselves, out of touch with “normal life”, and kind of douchy—even if they support charities or causes or whatever. But anyway, this post isn’t about hating on anyone or putting anyone on a pedestal, so forgive me. It’s about Steve. (It’s actually not at all about Steve, but take a quick look at this video and you’ll see what I mean.)

My first introduction to this clip was actually at my counselor’s office a few years back. We weren’t necessarily talking about blame in that moment, but we were talking about how people (i.e., me) tend to fill in the gaps of a situation with their own story about what happened. Brené calls this “the story we tell ourselves.” In this video, there are a few facts: Steve came home late, Brené didn’t sleep very well, she made a second cup of coffee, she dropped it and it got all over her clothes, Steve called. Brené connected those data points at lightning speed with her own version of what happened. She’s pissed off and Steve is getting an earful.

I happen to be world class at connecting the dots with my own backstory. And that’s OK, that’s kind of normal, but, what’s not OK is taking the invented story as truth. Here is an overly dramatic example to explain what I’m talking about.

You haven’t seen one of your friend in three months. You made plans last week to finally get together and something came up and she had to cancel the night of. You reschedule for this week and now she texts that she’s not feeling well. Those are the facts. But you can’t leave it there. You need to fill in the gaps in this situation to explain it. Well, there are a number of different ways this can go, and it kind of just depends how you’re feeling and what your past experiences are. If you’re feeling kind of crappy about yourself, what does this “confirm” for and about you? That she’s avoiding you. That maybe you’re “too much” or “too needy” or too [fill in the blank]. The bottom line must be that she doesn’t want to be your friend. You feel sore about it and you withdraw. You’re upset and you decide you’re not going to reach out anymore.

Well guess what? You made up a story. You had feelings about that story. You made decisions and acted upon that story. You had three data points (3 months since you didn’t see her and 2 dinner cancellations) and you created a crazy-ass line connecting those dots, and you don’t actually have any idea what’s going on with her. Maybe she’s struggling with her job, her kids, or her marriage. Maybe she’s trying to figure out how to deal with anxiety and it’s been tough to follow through on plans. Maybe she needs some space and doesn’t know how to ask. Maybe she really needs a friend but is pushing people away. Maybe this has NOTHING to do with you at all. All of these (and about a billion more) are possibilities. But you drew your line and you made a call and you live with the consequences. You never asked her. You just needed more information so your “explanation” could be based on facts and less of your imaginings.

“Damn you, Steve.” This video just makes me laugh. Her curt little “Hey” when Steve calls? Priceless. You know we’ve all been there. The printer jams at work, you’re going to be late for a big meeting, and you want to string up your boss for making you print the damned thing in the first place (even though you had all yesterday to do it but you chose to wait until 2 minutes before the meeting). Whenever I find myself making up stories or unreasonably pissed off and blaming someone else, good ‘ol “Damn you, Steve” pops into my head and I have to laugh at myself. Sometimes it’s enough to dispel the rage entirely and I’m grateful. Sometimes it’s just enough to bring an ounce of perspective while I continue envisioning punching someone in the face. The key is it makes me pause, ever so slightly, and it makes me assess what’s really going on, and hopefully, it prevents me from behaving like a jackass.

I hope you enjoyed watching this little clip for the first (or 100th time)—it never gets old. And I hope you laughed. And I hope you felt a bit humbled and silly and glad to be part of our weird little human race. Happy Friday, friends. And thanks for taking one for the team, Steve. 💜