A Mixed Metaphor Walked into a Bar...
“A mixed metaphor walked into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but wanting to nip it in the bud.” *
Monday calls for a grammar / bar joke—especially in light of yesterday’s USA Women’s World Cup team win. Mix up a cocktail like a metaphor (or a simile) and knock one back for ‘em!
Mixed metaphors are great. I think we’re all guilty… and in the best way possible. Before we get wrapped around the axle trying to figure out what this means, let’s just nail down our terms real quickly. (Did I do it? Did I mix two right there??)
A metaphor is a figure of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an object or action to which it is not literally applicable.
A mixed metaphor is the use of two or more unrelated metaphors that are incongruous or illogical when combined.
OK, easy peasy. But just take a gander at the dictionary definitions of mixed metaphors. Even they make me chuckle a bit. You know when Oxford or Merriam Webster resort to terms like ludicrous, jumbled and ridiculous, that we have a problem, Houston. (Wink, wink.) A mixed metaphor is:
a succession of incongruous or ludicrous comparisons. When two or more metaphors (or cliches) are jumbled together, often illogically, we say that these comparisons are “mixed.”
a combination of two or more incompatible metaphors, which produces a ridiculous effect (e.g., this tower of strength will forge ahead ).
Example of a mixed metaphor in a Sentence: “If we want to get ahead we'll have to iron out the remaining bottlenecks.”
The bottom line here is that bottlenecks are not wrinkly. Kidding. The bottom line is that you get some funny shit when you’re scrambling to finish a well-known phrase and you mix it up with another. My sister is the reigning champ. Seriously, if there were an inter-planetary award, she’d have won it hands down. I wish I had written any of hers down because they’d be perfect to use right here. Instead, I’ll just have to recreate them from memory with a dose of poetic license. The best part is that she sucks you into her vortex and suddenly you can’t even figure out how it’s supposed to be when it’s correct!
The discussions usually begin with something like, “Well, you know what they say…”
Her: Don’t look a dead horse in the mouth.
Me: I think it’s a gift horse.
Her: Well what does that even mean?
Me: I don’t know but it’s not dead, that’s for sure. Don’t beat a dead horse. It’s really tough to lead him to water.
Her: --
2. Her: Half dozen of one... and a baker’s of the other? No, wait. How many? Half is 6? What’s a bakers again?
Me: 12 +1
Her: Why 13?
Me: --
3. Her: Not my monkeys, not my circus!
Me: Yeah, totally. Not my circus, not my monkeys? Wait, which one goes first?
Her: --
4. Her: Loose lips catch... the worm? No, early birds sink ships. No, crap!
Me: You definitely just sank some ships with that one.
Her: Shut up, you know what I mean.
Me: So... you’re saying we should get up early tomorrow? Or would you like to tip off the
Germans instead?
5. Her: We have to get all our ducks on the same page… in a row? Damn, which one is it?
Me: Ducks in a row. Same page in the book.
Her: Regardless, we have to get our shit together!
6. Her: He’s really been burning the midnight oil from both ends lately.
Me: Oh yeah? Let’s try that again...
Her: The oil? Uh… is it a candle? A midnight candle?
Me: No, just a candle I think.
Her: Whatever, he’s been busy. . . . Is there something about a midnight cowboy?
Me: Probably.
And if you think these examples are just for shits and giggles, I promise you that this happens in real life. In print, online, in speeches, on the news, etc. Here’s an article on the top 10 mixed metaphors from the Independent from March 16, 2014.^ These are cited examples. Some are very understandable. Some will make you go hmmmm. I encourage you to just skim through the article itself, but, if you’re just looking for a few highlights, the bullet points below will get you there. The “responses” under each bullet are my own sassy doing because these cannot be left unanswered.
“I don't like it. When you open that Pandora's box, you will find it full of Trojan horses” Ernest Bevin, Labour Foreign Secretary, on the idea of a Council of Europe, 1948.
Really, Earnest? Pandora’s box had Trojan Horses inside? Call the Greeks. They’ve mixed their mythology.
“They've put all their eggs in one basket and it's misfired” Paul Merson, Sky football pundit, of West Ham's purchase of Andy Carroll.
Dammit, Paul. I hate when my baskets misfire! It’s like omelets everywhere.
“We're like the canary down the mine. We're the first people who pick up what's going on out there and what we're seeing at the moment is a boiling pot whose lid is coming off” Markos Chrysostomou, Haringey Citizens Advice Bureau, on the effects of cuts, 19 November 2012.
Canary in a coal mine. OK, they were the first to “buy the farm” when they detected lethal levels of gas. Now, tell me more about this boiling pot, Markos...?
“Out of the hat on Monday night the Home Secretary produced the rabbit, the temporary provisions Bill, as her fig leaf to cover her major U-turn” Simon Hughes, Lib Dem MP, 2008. Nominated by Saul Minaee.
Well done, Simon. You may have produced one of the most convoluted sentences in a speech known to man. I’m left with naked bunnies doing the hokey pokey with a fig leaf. Is that what you were going for??
And with that friends, I will leave you to your Monday mornings. I hope you got a chuckle out of this post on mixed metaphors and that the caffeine has kicked in. If you did, share it with a work bud. They could probably use a chuckle too. Or better, share it with a friend or family member with a similar (dis)ability to mix metaphors.
And to anyone needing just a little more ridiculousness, I leave you with a page I took a pic of from the January, 2019 Coconut Telegraph. Read as a whole, it’s actually a pretty damned good “How To” piece.
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* Original source is unknown. Content borrowed from The Foo at bar.com