Homophones, heteronyms and homographs… unless you’re going for a Nobel prize in dorkdom, the terms and their definitions don’t matter all that much. The point from our recent dive into oddity is that English often sucks for anyone learning it. It’s tricky. Those of us who learned it as kids as a first language probably don’t think about it all too often because we know how to use bus fare to get to the county fair (heteronyms). We know that a baseball bat is different than a creature with wings (homographs). And most of the time, we know when the effects affect us and how to deal with them (homophones).

But let’s for a minute travel back to when we were kids—kids learning our way through the English language by trial and error. Everything was trial, and error was as common as a penny. I actually had substantial hearing loss as a young kid due to chronic ear infections, multiple surgeries to put tubes in my ears for drainage… all that good stuff. So, on top of just being a normal-ish kid with “ear eggs” instead of ear aches, I was truly somewhat hard of hearing, which ratcheted up the guesswork a few notches. A pillow was a piplow. A pencil was a pumpsil. The “oldies” station was always on in the car and I sang along to “Poultry Boy” instead of “Soldier Boy” and the cliché “Bad Moon on the Rise” was obviously a bathroom. We had to write out the pledge of allegiance in elementary school and things like “wanation” popped up instead of “one nation under God.” My first essay in school proudly had “S.A.” scrawled on top of the page in huge letters. I’m sure my mom has better examples than those I’m remembering right now… hopefully she’ll pipe in with a few in the comments. (For anyone with young kids or grandkids, please also chime in so we can all chuckle at the goofy adorableness of it all.)

As adults, we’ve worked out most of our kinks by now. And when little things come up, we like to attribute them to “regional variations.” For example, the ever-defensive “What? That’s how we say it in Philly!” And we tease each other about pop, cola, soda, hoagies, gyros, subs and a billion other things. If you’re me, it’s a good time because I can’t not hear the difference between cement and cement; insurance and insurance (btw, I’m a strong proponent of the latter pronunciations). I can’t help but silently insert “to be” when I hear something like “This vacuum needs fixed.” And I love when my friend makes fun of me for saying “ahmund” instead of “almond” because I’m definitely guilty. I make fun of my parents who hang their clothes on a “hanguh” instead of a “hangar.” I also enjoy ribbing my friend’s mom whose “h” is extremely prominent in words like “white” and “wheat.” It cracks me up. And mostly, I wish I could hear more Bostonians “pahking their cahs in Havahd yahd” and more Brits stashing their “boots in their boot after a match” (cleats in their trunks after a soccer game).  

That’s all well and good. It keeps me amused. But. (Because there’s always a but.) There are a number of phrases in the English language that we use and royally screw up—on the regular. I am just as guilty as the next. I’m going to borrow this little collection of gems from my trusty Copywriter’s Handbook, whose authors cite the linguist Gregory Pullum. Pullum dubbed these phrasal homophone mishaps “eggcorns” based on a common saying in literature that we have bungled over the years: “Mighty oaks from little eggcorns grow.”

What’s the problem you may be wondering? Sounds good to me… and quite poetic, no? Well, those eggcorns are in fact acorns. Right. So…

• When we hone in on the details of the case, watch someone get their just desserts, or leave the theater unphased by what we just saw, we’re wrong!

• When we have free reign to tow the line or change tact, we’re wrong.

• When we think we see the magician’s slight of hand on the chaise lounge, we’re wrong.

• When we hold our piece with baited breath, willing our vocal cords to be silent, we are wrong.

• When we think that the straightlaced job candidate is a shoe-in over us, we’re wrong.

Maybe you caught one or two, but it’s mind boggling, right? Let’s take a look. The Handbook breaks these into three columns: eggcorn, correct phrase and original meaning. Ready?

Of the 13 “eggcorn” examples above, guess how many Microsoft Word picked up and underlined. Just guess. Three of them. 3/13. That’s fewer than a quarter. Curious which ones? Word knows tow, slight and chords are out of line, and it provides the correct word when you right-click. Word knows that straightlaced is spelled wrong, but it corrects it with a hyphen. Wrong. Straight-laced is still wrong.

This is why copyeditors exist. Hire one today. We’re paid to know this shit so you don’t have to.

Because God forbid you lounge on the chaise lounge when in fact it’s just a long-ass chair. Unless you’re armed, you’re not holding your piece. Unless your larynx houses a host of musical chords, they’re simply cords. And who knew… the shoo-in has nothing to do with a shoe fitting well—sorry Cinderella. And in all seriousness, who knew that home and deserts aren’t simply a house and a sandy place? I repeat. Hire a copyeditor today. You won’t regret it.